As we saw yesterday, The Harlot Formerly Known As Jessa Duggar has cast a wanton spell upon her new husband, Ben Seewald. The young couple – she’s 21 and he’s 19 – were chaste and pure for so long. But then Jessa front-hugged him and ever since then, the devil has made their love a battleground of sin and impurity. First the devil comes for front-hugs. Then the devil wants you to hold hands during prayer. Pretty soon the devil is making you post drowsy, unsexy kiss photos on Instagram. And it gets even worse than that!!! According to some pearl-clutching busybody at Jessa and Ben’s weekend wedding, Jessa is such a wanton trollop that she pulled Ben into some church closet so that they could front-hug without clothes just seconds after they said their vows. UNCLEAN!!! God is watching you fornicate, even if it only lasts about 12 seconds.
Jessa Duggar and Ben Seewald famously shared a private first kiss away from the altar immediately after their enormous wedding ceremony last weekend. But according to a shocked guest, the newlyweds may have done more than just smooch— and their steamy tryst wasn’t so private after all!
Wedding guest Mary B. claimed outrageous rumors spread among shocked guests at the reception that Jessa, 21, and Ben, 19, were caught in an act of “lust” when her free-spirited sister Jinger, 20, accidently opened the door to the couple’s “kiss” room in the Arkansas church.
“Multiple people were discussing that when Jinger opened the door to get Jess for the reception, she immediately closed the door with a look of shock on her face,” Mary alleged on Christian fundamentalist blog “My Life As A Stay At Home Wife And Mom.” “A big group of the girls were waiting outside the room to walk with her out…and my own daughters saw as well.”
“I am not sure why they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consummate God’s marriage,” Mary continued. “The Lord has blessed them and brought them together. To hear so many people discussing what they inadvertently walked into was heartbreaking and troubling….I believe Jessa and Ben are in deep lust with each other.”
You can read the whole sorry, sinful story in the comments of this blog post. My favorite part? The mystery of why “they would not wait for the evening to pray and then consummate God’s marriage.” Does praying before sex make it hotter? ‘Cause I think it would kill the mood. But then again, I’m not some prissy fundamentalist who thinks it’s UNCLEAN for a newly married couple to get their front-hug on just as soon as the vows were spoken. Anyway, I’m not sure if I believe that Jessa and Ben were going FULL FRONT-HUG in the back of the church. I think they probably kissed (and Ben probably kept his lips tightly shut, thankyouverymuch HARLOT!) and maybe Jessa tried to get Ben to touch her boobs. And he probably cried about it and that’s what Jinger saw.
Update: There’s some concern that this whole thing might be a spoof. I think the original fundamentalist Christian blog is for real, but the comment on that blog – the comment with this UNCLEAN story – is probably a spoof. Or maybe the whole thing is a spoof. Could be.
Photos courtesy of Jessa’s Facebook & Instagram.
Did Jessa Duggar & Ben consummate their marriage in a church closet?